50 Ways
by quietdrabble
Summary: There are well over 50 ways to do almost anything in life, but Edward only seems to come up short, time after time. Getting dumped leads to a night he can't remember and a weekend he'll never forget.
1. High Road

**Howdy back again! This time around it's something completely different which requires some disclaimers:**

**First I do not own Twilight (blah, blah, blah) no copyright infringement is intended. **

**This is just for fun because I have a lame ****obsession with Twilight fan fiction. ;-)**

**Second I do not own the rights to the song 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train. But I do use some of the lyrics in this fanfic. You should listen to the song before reading or at least look up the lyrics on google. It's totally ridiculous and makes me laugh. **

**Third, and this is the BIG one, this is an attempt at humor. Nothing is sacred and everything is fair game at getting poked fun of, if you offend easily this may not be the fic for you! Any particular subject matter that is discussed or made light of is simply in jest and for the sole purpose of fun. **

**As always thank you to all who continue to support the crazy inside my head! This one is very different (and honestly could be a bomb), but I needed a short break from all the heavy. I am currently working on a full length fic The Lake House that will return to my typical style of angsty/romance. Lots of drama coming soon. ;-)**

**That said if you decide to continue with this fic hope you enjoy the ridiculous nonsense! If I had to categorize this it would be like 90% humor, 5% romance, and 5% meaningful content. Meh. *shrugs shoulders* Let's see, shall we? **

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 1 **

**High Road**

"I took the high road like I should." I announced as I took the last sip of my strawberry margarita.

"High road? What the fuck does that mean? Man, you totally need another drink." Emmett scoffed.

"I don't need another drink. High road as in, I didn't grovel." I huffed at his typical thick-headedness.

"Congratulations. So you're not a pussy. Your choice in drinks notwithstanding." Emmett deadpanned and tossed back a shot of Patrón.

"Emmett, do you have to be so vulgar?" I insisted. "Besides, what's wrong with my drink? It tastes good."

Emmett groaned. "Man, what the hell do you drink when you go to all your hoity-toity work functions? Real men drink whiskey, or bourbon, or beer."

"Chardonnay."

"What the fuck is Chardonnay? Edward, listen to me. Irina was hot, but dude, she was an uptight bitch. I say good riddance. No one could even stand to be around her. How'd you even bang that shit? With a ball gag from behind?" Emmett snorted and held up his hand to get the waitress' attention.

"Are we talking about the ice bitch?" Jasper eased into the booth beside me.

"Jesus! Could you both be a little more respectful? She is a person with feelings after all." Now I was getting irritated on her behalf, and she's the one that dumped me._ God, I'm pathetic._

"You need another drink." Jasper stated as he eyed my suspect glass with frothy red remnants. "Emmett, get him another drink. A real drink," he drawled and casually threw a wink at a young passerby.

"Christ. I do not need another drink. I'm going to the restroom." I knew I sounded like a petulant child, but honestly, at the moment, I couldn't care less. I'd just been dumped by my fiancée and it was super depressing.

Jasper eased back out of the booth to let me by and patted me on the shoulder. "Lots of fine young things here tonight, Edward. Loosen up!"

Why the hell had I agreed to meet these two for drinks so soon after Irina had dumped me? I knew if I survived, I'd regret this night for months to come.

I'd known Jasper and Emmett since college. We meet at a freshman meet and greet and somehow we'd all ended up in the same fraternity. Back then I was a tad more, how shall I say—carefree. I partied. Some. But now we were adults—though with Emmett it was still questionable at times.

Jasper decided his English degree was useless shortly after graduation and continued to pursue his love of music instead. He came from money, though you'd never know. At six foot two, with dirty blonde hair and cool grey eyes, he always had women falling at his feet. He'd mastered the rumpled, make-no-effort appearance, and when he'd haul out the old guitar, women would swoon. It was crazy.

Emmett, on the other hand, was self-made like me. He'd known as a freshman at State, he was going to major in business and then open a chain of gyms. He did, and his physique was a walking testament to the benefits of being in a gym seven days a week. As if he wasn't blessed by the gods enough naturally, he also had bright blue eyes and dimples—women found irresistible.

Then there was me. I, uh, unfortunately, don't know how to even categorize myself. I majored in accounting and economics, and as of five months ago, I was named Seattle West's youngest CFO in the history of the hospital. I like my job. It makes sense to me. There is an order to it, sorely lacking in other areas of my life.

~oOo~

I took a few calming breaths as I soaped and washed my hands at the sink, making sure to work the sud-less excuse for soap into my palms thoroughly. I rinsed and dried my hands, adjusted my tie, then grabbed an extra paper towel to open the door with and exited the bar's bathroom. As I was exiting, a brunette blur was shoved directly into me in the crowded hallway.

She giggled and looked up. "Oops. Sorry. Crowded back here. Huh?" Her eyes glanced down at the paper towel in my hand and without hesitation, she yanked it from me before I could even speak. "Score. Thanks. The ladies' side is all out of paper towels, and I hate having damp hands. Air dryers never work worth a shit. Know what I mean?"

I was momentarily speechless. Had she just grabbed the paper towel from my hand and used it to dry her own? Disgusting. "Hm." I grunted, unable to form a coherent reply to that entire statement. God, I loathed college hang outs.

"Okay, well thanks!" She smiled and took off with another girl, hooking their arms together, they burst out into a fit of giggles.

I hated college girls too. I never understood the simpering, whispering, peeing in groups thing. Girls are so strange. Irina peed alone and never giggled.

* * *

**So crazy drabble-ish (some longer chapters) kind of fic. Updates daily. What say you?**


	2. Low Road

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 2**

**Low Road**

* * *

"Eddie! Wassup?" Emmett boomed, as I made my return to the table._ Jesus, were we back in college?_

"Please don't call me that. My name is Edward, and we're adults. Could you at least attempt to behave as if you were one? Seriously, who's idea was it to come here? This place is a damned meat market, and I don't even think half of these girls are legally old enough to be in here. Don't people check ID's anymore?"

"Fuck, man, you need another drink. Are you kidding me with this shit? They're young, they're hot, and they are getting tipsier and hornier as we speak. And you my friend need to get laid!" Emmett shot back.

"Em's right, Edward. Relax, pick one, take her home and let her ride you—all—night—loooong. Forget about Irina. You're so much better off without her. Look at that hot thing over there for example. A little on the short side, great eyes, tiny waist. I bet she's tight and she just screams: wild in the sack." Jasper added.

My eyes darted over to the subject of Jasper's focus and then back to him. I just held his eyes for a moment with a burning look that didn't even phase him.

"Jesus, Jasper! She's like twelve. That's sick!"

"She's not twelve! I bet she's twenty, twenty-one." Jasper took a swig of his pale ale and his lips held the rim of the bottle in a way that creeped me out as he caught her eye.

"Exactly my point. If she's twenty, she's too young to be in here." I continued.

"What the hell is wrong with you, man? What fucking grandpa died and crawled up your ass? Edward, you're thirty-two not dead! Have another drink." Emmett shoved a shot towards me. "As a matter of fact …" He slid another towards Jasper and continued to speak, "… let's all have a drink. To … bros who are all currently single and getting laid."

Emmett and Jasper both threw back their shots, and I stared between them then set the shot down, pushing the offending glass away from me. The stuff in that glass looked like tar.

"Edward, do the fucking shot, man. Don't be a dick." Emmett scoffed.

"Dude!" Jasper added.

Jesus, I was such a pushover. I held my comment, took a breath, and tossed the shot back, and the licorice, cough-syrupy taste slid slowly down my throat, coating my insides. _Blech_.

* * *

**So I know I said one update a day, but I kinda feel like we should get this party started! And my beta, AJasperforMe, rocks! So I have a bunch of chapters back. ;-)**


	3. The Hook

**If you haven't listened to the song by Train yet go do it now. 50 Ways to Say Goodbye. Hurry. Then come back and read this chapter. ;-)**

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 3**

**The Hook**

* * *

"Okay, okay. I've got one. She fried getting suntanned." Emmett snorted. "Her fucking skin was like neon, dude. That's totally plausible."

"Fell in a cement mixer full of quick sand." Jasper blurted out. They both laughed.

"Met a shark under water." Emmett came up with another.

"Fell and no one caught her." Jasper countered, and now the dumbasses were rhyming. My friends had been at this for the last twenty minutes now, coming up with ways I could lie about how Irina had died. Irina wasn't even dead. She dumped me that's all.

"She returned everything I ever bought her," I groaned and took another shot; the thick black liquid no more desirable than the previous one I'd downed.

"Man! What'd we say about the emo shit? Knock it off. Look, you gotta have a hook. Use this to your advantage. If you say your fiancée just died, the chicks will totally be all over you. They'll wanna smother you with sympathy sex. You could probably drag it out for a week. Maybe more. A little sad is good, but you're over doing it!" Emmett always had a hook, or a line, and never came home empty handed.

"She didn't die! She dumped me. And I am sad. Shit!" I took a gulp of my frozen peach margarita to cut the taste of the revolting shot.

They both just stared at me then doubled over with laughter.

"What?" I insisted.

"You got a little …" Jasper motioned with his finger towards my lip. I licked the corner of my mouth and realized there was a little peachy ice left. They continued laughing even louder.

"Ha. Ha. I'm gonna go. This …" I made a little circle with my finger. "This was a bad idea. It isn't me anymore. I know you are both trying to help but …"

"Edward, sit down." Emmett huffed.

"Hey, boys," a female voice cooed. All our heads snapped towards the direction of the voice. There at the end of our table stood an extremely voluptuous redhead. "Want some company?"

She was definitely not twelve.

Jasper slid out of the booth and winked at Emmett. "Sit down, darlin'. Make yourself comfortable. Be right back." His fake southern drawl always came out when he began drinking. I think he lived in Texas for two years when he was twelve, but the women swooned over that crap, too. Jesus, life was so unfair. Jasper left the table and Emmett took over.

"I'm Emmett and that's Edward." Emmett pointed to me from across the table, and the full bosomed redhead scooted in closer. Her bare thigh brushed against my pant leg and caused me to clear my throat.

"His fiancée just died." Emmett continued.

My eyeballs nearly bugged out of my head. Then she turned towards me. I simply shrugged. Then I gave Emmett the death glare as she turned her attention back towards him.

"Yeah, she drowned in a hot tub." Emmett said with a straight face.

"Oh my, God! I'm so sorry." She said to me with sincere condolence.

I just stared at her. Really? _How could anyone, except for an infant, drown in a goddamned hot tub, Jesus!_ Emmett smirked and took a sip of his beer. I hated him at that moment.

"Wanna drink?" Emmett was so eager to help.

"Sure," she answered Emmett. "What are you drinking?" she purred in my direction.

"Margarita."

"Oh, I love margaritas!" she said licking her bottom lip.

Super.


	4. Line

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 4**

**Line**

* * *

Booming music was thrumming through my veins, and I was currently being molested on the dance floor. The lyrics were screeching "Tonight I'm fucking you … you … oh oh." _What the hell was this?_ This was not music.

"Mmm … so you have a hot tub?" The big-boobied redhead, who's name I couldn't remember, shimmied back up my body.

"No."

"Oh?" She seemed so confused, and I felt bad for her.

"It was hers." The lie just slipped right off my tongue.

"Ooooh." Redhead nodded like a goddamned bobble head. Those things were stupid—bobble heads. "So she drowned in her own hot tub? How awful."

I suppressed another eye-roll. Thank goodness the song ended at that exact moment because I couldn't stand to do, whatever the hell it was we were doing, for another second.

"I, um … I need another drink." Another lie.

"Okay! I'm gonna go grab my friend and tinkle. Meet ya back at the table?" She yell-whispered.

I just gave a sharp nod. No response came to mind. Nothing. Because honestly, I hoped she would drown in the damn toilet, with her damn friend. _Christ, now I was being an asshole. _I wasn't an asshole. I was pathetic.

"You're both assholes!" I blurted as I returned to the table.

"What? She's hot. I'd do her." Emmett laughed.

"Me too." Jasper shrugged and took a swig of his beer.

"Jesus. She's a rock! Drowned in a hot tub? Emmett, really?" I shrieked.

"What? It was funny." Emmett snorted.

Jasper spit beer across the table because he'd missed the shenanigans of the fake hot tub death the first go round.

"She could have danced to death in an Eastside night club." Jasper came up with another ridiculous fabrication as he regained his composure.

Emmett laughed and added, "Got caught in a mudslide. Wait, that shit's kinda hot."

Jasper chuckled.

"Ugh." I groaned and banged my head against the table. "She's coming back after her escorted trip to the bathroom. So you both better figure this shit out. It's not funny."

"What is it with women pissing in pairs?" Emmett asked.

"I know, right? Women are a friggin' mystery." Jasper sighed as if deep in contemplation then sipped his beer again.

"I'm serious. Stay on topic. I'm not taking her home!" I growled.

"Simper down, princess. Want another … whatever-the-fuck that fruity shit is you drink?" Emmett waved his hand in my direction.

I sighed. May as well.

"I'll take that as a yes, but you get another Jäger too." Emmett motioned for the waitress again.

* * *

**So still with me?**


	5. Sinker

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 5**

** Sinker**

* * *

Women sure took a long time in the bathroom. What the hell did they do in there? Especially in a public restroom, they're so filthy. All those germs. Not that I'm complaining because the redhead had yet to make another appearance, and in all actuality, that in itself was a relief.

"Earth to Eddie." Emmett snapped his fingers near my face.

"Huh?"

"Where'd ya go? Still with us, dude?" Jasper added.

"I'm here."

"All right one more shot and then I say we split up." Emmett announced.

We all did another shot and then I ordered another margarita—strawberry, it was better than the peach. Sweeter. Emmett and Jasper went to work the room, and I remained in the booth, sipping my frozen strawberry confection to cure my woes. I liked strawberries.

~oOo~

"I heard your fiancée went down in an airplane then dried up in the desert." A voice startled me from my stupor. It was the brunette from the bathroom hallway. I think. I closed one eye to make sure because things were starting to get a bit fuzzy.

"Uh, yeah." I answered unaware of what the hell she'd just said.

"Interesting. My boyfriend drowned in the rainforest." She smiled at me then sat down.

"Really?" I couldn't stop staring at her or was it that I could no longer focus.

"Mmhm and the one before that got eaten by a lion."

Somewhere my synapses all started firing again, and I began to laugh. She wasn't a rock. She was funny. "Better than getting run over by a crappy purple Scion." I added.

"Hey, that's my car, don't hate the car." She laughed. "For real, it's parked outside."

Shit, had that been her car I'd seen on the way in? Weird. All of a sudden inspiration hit. "So your the one that killed my girl before the fiancée." I smiled. "Seems I've got terrible luck."

She laughed again. "So what really happened?"

I stared for a moment then threw caution to the wind. She was the only one who'd even asked, and I couldn't help but unload on her. "She said she was leaving me for my own good."

"What the hell does that mean?" The brunette volleyed.

"Exactly. I have absolutely no clue." I moaned.

"Well, her loss, right?"

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**Thoughts? More tomorrow. ;-) **


	6. Neither Rhyme

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 6**

**Neither Rhyme**

* * *

Lancing light shined in on me, and I tried to lift my arm to protect myself, but my arm suddenly weighed a shit-ton. _Had little elves snuck in during the night and replaced my arm with one of Emmett's? _I groaned and the sound shot through me, piercing my own ears. Damn. My head was like a mine field just waiting to explode. Even my underarm hairs hurt. Strange.

"Uh." The inside of my mouth was revolting. It tasted like a pile of sweaty towels, from inside Emmett's gym locker smelled. Only my mouth was drier—like the Sahara. Where Irina dried up and died. _Wait? Irina wasn't dead, right?_ Jesus, I'd killed brain cells and could no longer think straight. I had probably secured a permanent seat on the short bus for myself all in a night. Nothing like being on the fast track.

With herculean effort, I lifted my head off my pillow, which smelled like strawberries. "Oh, God." Cue the vomit.

After an undetermined amount of time I'd somehow found the strength to lift my face from the cool travertine tiles on my bathroom floor. Standing on two feet was a miracle of biblical proportions. As I found the courage to peer in my bathroom mirror, I was horrified with what stared back at me.

A grown man who knew better, who'd been dumped for his 'own good', with bloodshot green eyes and dark circles underneath reminded me what an idiot I was. As if my hair that stuck out in every direction was any better. Jesus, I was a mess.

I wasn't really a drinker, and I never mixed drinks. Ever. What the hell was I thinking? And then I remembered, Emmett and Jasper. "Shit."

I stumbled out of the bathroom feeling marginally more human, until I rounded the corner and heard singing. Not just any singing—but off-key, high-pitched, decibels only meant to harm dogs and hangover victims, coming from the kitchen singing.

I cleared my throat, which hurt like hell, to signify my presence in—my kitchen—which was occupied by a person who should never be allowed to sing. Ever. I stared at the …

"Oh, morning." The brunette smiled. "Here, drink this, it'll make you feel better."

I was definitely on the short bus taking a spin around the block. Who the hell was this woman, and what was she shoving under my face? Think. Think. In a single moment something popped into the random empty space between my ears.

"Paper towel girl?" I blurted.

The brunette just got a huge smile on her face and threw her arms around me before jumping to wrap her legs around my waist. Luckily she weighed next to nothing and was a good foot shorter than I was, so I remained upright. Some of the sludge from the glass she handed me sloshed over the edge and onto my hand though. Gross.

"Uh?" I stalled. _How did one respond in a situation such as this?_

"You remember me!" She slid down as quickly as she'd jumped me and then exited the kitchen. "Drink up, sunshine," she said as she left.

"This looks and smells revolting," I grumbled under my breath. The mixture smelled foul; olive oil and a raw egg were the only things identifiable in the glass.

She peeked back around the corner. "Yeah, I know, but it will totally cure your hangover."

_She heard me?_ Regardless, there was no way I was drinking the stuff in that glass. I stood there in semi-shock looking at the slop dripping off my hand and then back to the brunette. She wore her hair in high pigtails with bright orange, barely there boyshorts, that left little to the imagination, and a tight purple T-shirt that said "It's Thyme" on the front.

I didn't dare ask what it was 'thyme' for.

"You didn't have any evening primrose oil, so it's the best I could do with what you had on hand. Short notice and all." Then she left again.

I set the glass on the counter and tried to not notice the sway to her tight little ass as she walked away. God, I was a pervert now on top of being pathetic and slow. At the sink, I scrubbed my hands clean along with my thoughts, thankful for my hands-free, motion-sensor activated faucet. Less germs.

After I washed and rinsed the glass as well, I returned it to the cupboard. Then I grabbed a Fiji water from the fridge and popped some ibuprofen. By the time I'd made it back into the living room, she had added a green skirt, if you could call it that, to her ensemble with a pair of those ridiculous toe shoe/sock things. Like water shoes except they slip over each individual toe. The ones only weirdo tree-huggers wear around town.

All I could do was stare.

"Okay, so. Yeah, this was fun. Gotta go. See ya." Then she kissed me—just a peck on the side of my mouth, but it was strange—and walked right out my front door.

* * *

**Good morning!**

**Have you ever had a morning like this? ;-)**


	7. Nor Reason

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 7**

**Nor Reason**

* * *

"You are both assholes!" I announced at the table.

A week after my drunken night of debauchery, which was still patchy at best, I met Emmett and Jasper for lunch at the diner.

Neither one of them could squelch their laughter for very long.

"Edward, come on. We kept our word and you didn't end up with Victoria back at your place. So where's the problem?" Emmett announced.

"Victoria? Who the hell is that?" I questioned.

"The redhead. You don't even remember the redhead?" he insisted.

"How could you forget the redhead?" Jasper parroted.

"I remember the redhead. I just didn't know her name." I huffed.

"So how was paper towel chick? She was hot, had a rocking bod." Emmett changed the subject of my humiliation.

"I, uh …"

"Dude! You don't even remember paper towel chick?" Jasper inquired.

"I remember her. She was at my place when I woke up the next morning!" I barked.

"Holy shit!" Emmett boomed.

"Dude, no way?" Jasper grinned.

"Way to go, man. I knew you had it in you," Emmett congratulated me.

Once again, I was momentarily dumbfounded.

"Thanks to you dickheads, I don't remember anything, including her name. Seriously, how the hell much did I have to drink? You know I don't normally drink. I had to brush my teeth with three different toothbrushes to get rid of the licorice taste in my mouth the next day, and I still can't eat strawberries without getting queasy."

They just laughed at my confession.

"It wasn't funny. Damn it. She made me some foul crap in a glass, squealed when I called her paper towel girl, and nearly knocked me over in my own kitchen while she was half naked. In pigtails."

"Pigtails? Did you hit it again before she left?" Emmett asked. "Pigtails are hot."

"What? No. Are you not listening to me? I'm not even sure if I did at all, or if she's even old enough to drink or even legal."

"You're welcome." Emmett added with a straight face.

And Jasper nearly split his side with laughter.

"Jesus, you both are serious assholes. I could be arrested, and I don't remember anything! I don't even know her name, and she just left without a word. This isn't funny."

"Relax. You're so uptight, Edward. She was legal, besides she wasn't even drinking. Why she sat and listened to your bemoaning half the night, we'll never know. You kept bellyaching about Irina and mumbling pizzelle. By the time we came back to find you, her friend said she'd taken you home."

"Oh, God." I groaned.

Snippets of the ride home in the purple Scion came back to me along with some of the pizzelle conversation. I remember giving paper towel girl my nonna's recipe for the Italian waffle cookies and over emphasizing the anise. Not to forget the anise. "It's the ingredient that makes them," I'd said before passing out. Why the hell had I been talking about Nonna's pizzelle recipe?

"Oh, God. It was the Jägermeister. You two really are useless jackasses. You know that."

"What? Irina dumped you so we took you out for a good time and got your mind off of it," Emmett intoned.

I moaned. "And now you've just reminded me. Thanks for that."

"Okay dude, quit your whining. We have a better idea. Well, it was Emmett who came up with it, but it's perfect. Go on tell him, Em." Jasper grinned.

"Okay. We're going to sunny Sedona for a retreat," Emmett announced and Jasper nodded. The pair of idiots just grinned.

"What?" I had no idea what these two were up to, but without a doubt it had to spell disaster if Emmett was behind this.

* * *

**Hmm... What's in store for Edward in Sedona?**


	8. None The Wiser

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 8**

**None The Wiser**

* * *

I wasn't really listening to Emmett as he prattled on about his dumbass idea for a retreat weekend, but when the time came closer and he keep reminding me, I thought, "What the hell." It would be good to get out of Seattle for a bit and relax in the warmth of Sedona, AZ. I figured I'd ditch the ass wipes and relax with a good book over the long weekend while soaking up some vitamin D.

I practically ignored them both on the plane as I quietly sipped my necessary glass of Chardonnay, while wearing my noise canceling Bose headphones. I sat in the backseat of the rental without a word, as well, on our way to our retreat destination. As we pulled up to the resort, there was a big rainbow banner welcoming the GLNC Relaxation Retreat.

Emmett beamed. "That's us! A whole weekend of hot yoga, hot stone massages and hot chicks. Chicks dig this shit, they do it all the time in pairs and groups. This place will be swarming with women. There is no better place on Earth to meet some hot chicks than at a _relaxing_ resort like this."

"This was genius, Em. Seriously!" Jasper agreed.

I reserved my comments for the time being, but even I had to admit it did look like a beautiful resort—peaceful—and a massage sounded absolutely perfect right about now. I completely disregarded all references to the chicks though. I was here to simply relax.

We valeted the car and a young blonde with an iPad and a name tag that read Jane, greeted us. "Welcome to The Sun Ranch. Are you here for the GLNC Relaxation Retreat? Have you stayed with us before?" she asked and keyed something into her iPad.

We all shook our heads in different directions because she asked too many questions, requiring different answers. Another thing women did that seemed to baffle us all. I moved to stand between Emmett and Jasper, and she continued without missing a beat.

"Great, well, we're excited to have you here at The Sun Ranch. Welcome. Do you have your packet?" She looked between the three of us and then landed on Emmett as he rifled in his jacket pocket.

Emmett held a huge grin as he handed a packet of papers over to Jane. She flipped through it in her hands. "Mr. McCarty, I would be happy to show you and your party to your accommodations. Felix will bring your bags."

I glanced over my shoulder and saw a buff guy loading our stuff onto a cart. Then he winked at me, which made me turn my head back around and clear my throat. We were all given a complimentary glass of champagne to drink as we walked the desert path to our bungalow. Emmett and Jasper both tossed it back like a shot.

Jane was yammering on about the area and all of the different amenities that would be available over the weekend and said we could find a full listing inside the notebook located in our bungalow. "The itinerary is fairly loose, so you can relax and enjoy the weekend at your own pace. Mingle as much or as little as you like."

She left us with one final smile, and Felix left the bags with another wink in my direction that made me queasy especially after sipping the champagne.

Once in the room, Emmett immediately headed for the restroom, Jasper grabbed the book and leaned back on the couch kicking his feet up, and I inspected the two bedroom bungalow. One room had two beds while the other held a king. I claimed the king room for my own—the pair of jackasses could share the other—and tossed my bag at the foot of the bed before sprawling out.

"They have a Hot Yoga session going in an hour and it sounds invigorating. I'm totally gonna try it out," Jasper announced, walking in to my room.

Emmett followed behind him. "Okay, I'm in. Chicks totally dig yoga. Edward, you're going too. No arguments."

"It says here to drink lots of water because they keep the heat up in the room so you sweat out all your toxins," Jasper added.

Emmett threw us water bottles, and we all drank up. I figured what the hell, yoga was relaxing, right?

* * *

**Loving all your comments so far! ;-) Ready for some Hot Yoga? **


	9. Say What

**Good morning! Ready for more?**

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 9**

**Say What?**

* * *

The outside of the activities building was deserted, but we were early, so we made our way inside to register.

"I'm Emmett, and this is Edward and Jasper, bungalow 33. We'd like to do the four o'clock Hot Yoga."

A friendly woman spoke from behind the desk. "Okay, sign in here, and the locker rooms are through the doors over there."

As we rounded the corner to the locker room, my eyes nearly bugged out. It was a coed locker room and everyone was naked. There were probably about ten, fifteen, people give or take. I didn't really stop to count. I had absolutely nowhere to place my eyes or focus because—everyone was naked!

"Welcome everyone to the GLNC Relaxation Retreat!" A small voice from the other side of the room announced as it moved closer into the center revealing a short dark-haired girl who was—well, naked.

Jasper moved closer to me and whispered in my ear. "I call dibs. She's energetic, perky, and look at her tits. Great tits."

Oh my, God! Was I seriously the only one in shock with all the blatant nakedness around me? "Jazz, everyone is naked," I rasped.

"Yeah, I kinda noticed that. Whatever, look at her. I hope she's the instructor," he whispered back.

"So looks like we have a few of you who haven't changed yet. I'm Alice by the way, when you're all ready bring your towels and your water and come on in. I'm looking forward to guiding you through a relaxing journey in Hot Yoga today."

"Hot damn! She's the instructor!" Jasper whistled.

Most of the crowd followed behind Alice and entered the room beyond the lockers when Emmett turned to me to speak, but I cut him off.

"Everyone is naked!" I screeched to Emmett.

He just laughed. "Yeah, I noticed that too, whatever. Unexpected, but a bonus as far as I'm concerned."

Jasper was already stripping down, stuffing his shit into a locker beside me.

"Emmett! I am not doing yoga naked!"

"Edward, relax."

"Jesus, if everyone would stop saying relax it would be fucking relaxing. And naked yoga is not my idea of relaxing!"

A delicate hand touched my shoulder and reminded me we were not alone. "Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. If it's any help, Angie didn't tell me we'd be doing naked yoga the first time we came to a nudists retreat either, but really it's not so bad. Keep an open mind and try to not be so hard on your partner. It's really a great weekend for bonding. Freeing yourself like this changes you. I'm Jessica by the way." The naked blonde quit speaking as I was still trying to piece together all of the wrong contained within the entire statement she made.

Somehow, I grasped on to one piece of information and went with it. "I am not _his_ partner!" I pointed to Emmett as he blurted at nearly the same time.

"Did you say nudist retreat?" Emmett's face scrunched up a little, and I honestly wanted to face punch him at the moment.

"Oh, my mistake," she answered me, then turned to Emmett to answer his question. "Yes, you're here for the Gay and Lesbian Nudist Couples Relaxation Retreat, right?"

My jaw hit the floor, and Jasper cocked his head and took a step closer, but Emmett just grinned. "Uh, of course."

"Oh, okay." Jessica looked over to Jasper and I, and I realized a beat too late he was standing far too close to me in only his briefs. "That makes more sense." She gestured between us. "You two make a much better couple," she said in our direction.

_What the fuck?_

A sudden look of confusion came over Jessica, and she turned back to Emmett. "Well, if he's not your partner," she indicated me with a flick of her wrist, "…where's your partner?"

Without missing a beat, Emmett muttered, "Uh, he died. Yeah, my partner died, on a deep sea fishing excursion. Freak accident. Devastating." The bullshit simply continued to flow from Emmett's mouth until Jasper chimed in.

Jasper, inching closer towards me, continued, "Yeah, it was truly awful. So I planned this getaway to help him relax and begin to heal, but it was a surprise to my Eddie here too." Jasper threw an arm over my shoulder, and I growled at him.

"Aw! That's so sweet." She cooed at Jasper then turned back to Emmett. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Emmett sniffled a fake tear and gave his thanks.

"There you are!" Another naked woman came up and clasped hands with Jessica.

"This is Angie, my girlfriend. Angie this is …"

"Emmett." He thrust his hand out towards them. "And my BFF Jasper and his partner Edward."

"Nice to meet you all," Angie said.

"Well, we should be heading in there. See ya inside," Jessica added, and hand-in-naked-hand they left.

As soon as they were out of sight, I shoved Jasper off of me. "Get the hell off of me."

And Emmett and Jasper doubled over with laughter.

"Emmett! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? What the hell kind of retreat did you book us for? Are you out of your ever loving mind?"

They just kept laughing.

"And if _you_ touch me again, jackass, I won't hesitate delivering the throat punch you're due." I turned to jasper.

"Aw! Baby, you know I like it rough. Now don't get me all worked up before we gotta go do some naked yoga," Jasper drawled, causing Emmett to double over with laughter, yet again.

"What the hell is wrong with you both? Seriously? I'm out of here."

"No wait," Jasper screeched like a girl. "I want to go in there. Did you forget the hottie yoga instructor? I'm totally not missing out on that!"

I just looked at him. "We are at a Gay and Lesbian Nudists Couples Retreat and you are posing as my partner. Are you fucking serious?"

"Relaxation Retreat. And yes, I wanna go be _relaxed_ by the yoga chick. So quit your bitching, because you're my faux bitch for the weekend. Now get naked because I wanna check her out. Besides, I didn't really get the lesbo vibe from her anyhow. I'm holding out hope," Jasper countered.

Meanwhile, Emmett was now dropping his drawers and shoving his shit into another locker.

"Are you kidding me! You too?" I nearly screamed at him.

"What? Hot Yoga sounds cool, besides lesbo or not, Jessica had a nice rack and Angie had a great ass. I'm gonna go get a mat behind them. How bad can it be? Plus, they seemed nice." He shrugged.

I firmly shook my head like a goddamned bobble head and crossed my arms over my chest. "I am not doing naked yoga!"

* * *

**;-) Thoughts?**


	10. Resigned

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 10**

**Resigned**

* * *

Hours later after frantically flipping through the packet of information, Emmett had abandoned in our room, and downing two mango daiquiris at the outdoor cabana bar—dodging Felix's blatant advances, that made far more sense now, before wandering the grounds aimlessly to cool down—I felt marginally calmer.

I nearly bumped into a girl on the path, heading back to the bungalow. Looking up, I was stunned.

"Paper towel girl?" There she stood in pigtails and a bright fuchsia T-shirt that said: Do It Raw.

A huge grin broke out on her face. "Feeling better?"

"Uh?"

"I heard one of the guests' partners died deep sea fishing." She smiled at me.

"Oh, no. That's my friend. That's—"

"Oh? Well, that sucks. For him, I mean. So did the one, Irina, that crashed and dried up in the desert make you wanna switch sides for a while?"

"Uh?"

"I'm only kidding. It's cool." She giggled.

"So are you …" Only I didn't know how to finish my question. What did I want to know exactly? _Jesus, I shouldn't have had the second daiquiri._

"Na. I'm straight." Apparently she knew what I wanted to know and answered my unasked question. "I'm here in an official capacity. I run the naked karaoke," she said with a straight face.

Then the memory of her singing in my kitchen came back. God, just the memory of the sound in my head was enough to make me cringe.

"Just kidding! I don't sing in public. I have an awful voice." Then her whole face lit up and for the first time, I really looked at her. Shiny brown hair, big beautiful eyes, a smattering of freckles on her nose. Damn she was really pretty, and funny—and weird.

"Oh, hey, uh, I never got the chance to thank you for giving me a ride home that night. So, uh, thanks."

She shrugged. "Sure."

"I'm Edward, by the way."

"I know." Then she turned and started to walk away. "Have fun! You and your new partner should check out the Tai Chi class in the morning and then have breakfast by the pool. It's romantic." She giggled and walked away.

I shamelessly watched her slim hips sway and noticed the roundness to her ass—that I also remembered looked enticing half naked—as she walked away in her cutoff shorts and bright fuchsia T-shirt, pigtails bouncing all around. Then I pondered what "Do It Raw" meant.

Back in the room, dumb and dumber were already lounging and had an open bottle of tequila on the table.

"Aw! Look who's back. Hey, sweet cheeks." Jasper cooed.

My gaze met Emmett's first. "Edward, seriously before you say anything, I had no idea it was a nudists retreat. I swear."

"But you knew it was a gay and lesbian weekend?" I interrogated.

"Na, man. That either."

"So, you managed to book a long weekend filled with activities for gay and lesbian couples who also happen to be nudist and never once noticed those minor details during the entire booking procedure?"

I waited for his response.

"Uh? Yeah?" he offered.

Jasper choked on his shot and began laughing in hysterics on the sofa. "You're a total rock, Em."

And for some reason, I wasn't ready to laugh about this, Jasper's comment just pissed me off even more. "Look who's talking. Seriously, you stripped down naked in under twenty seconds because some hottie yoga instructor at a Gay and Lesbian Nudists Retreat didn't give you the lesbo vibe? You both are ridiculous!"

"You forgot Relaxation. It's a Relaxation Retreat and honestly, I'm feeling a little relaxed. By the way, _Alice,_ is very straight and very flexible, and we're going to dinner together … tonight." Jasper over enunciated the last word.

"What? Where? You can't go to dinner together, are you crazy? I'm your partner. Did you forget?" I nearly whined.

"Aw! Don't be jealous. Edward, really, she is extremely bendy," Jasper taunted.

"Oh my, God! Stop. Seriously. You can't parade around with her. It's insulting to the people who are really on this retreat. Who are honestly gay! You both are making a farce out of this, and these are real people. With real feelings. Who came to a real retreat. To really relax!"

"Don't look at me. My partner died deep sea fishing," Emmett deadpanned.

Cue the laughter, even I couldn't hold it in any longer. After the fit of laughter died down, we were all quiet for several moments.

"I saw paper towel girl," I finally blurted.

"Dude?"

"Yep." I nodded.

"Here?" asked Emmett.

"Yep."

"So is she?" Jasper questioned.

"Nope."

"Dude."

"Did you talk to her?" Emmett inched closer, hopeful for some details.

"Uh …" I paused.

Emmett gave a quick huff. "Forget it. I thought it was gonna be good. You totally should have done yoga with us. It was a real workout, and Jessica did a mean downward facing dog."

"Yeah, Alice was amazing how she could sooth your mind and get you all worked up at the same time. Good times. You missed out, dude." Jasper couldn't seem to shut up about this Alice girl, and it was beginning to grate on me, heavily.

Emmett stood to leave. "Well, I made an appointment for a massage, so I'm gonna head. Have fun with bendy Alice. Later."

Jasper just smiled.

"Hey, wait up. I forgot about that. A massage sounds good, actually. You think you could get me an appointment while a take a quick shower?"

"Sure." Emmett shrugged and made a call.

I was relieved they let the paper towel girl thing drop. I knew I was a little slow to accelerate, but now that I knew she was here and seems we were too, for the entire weekend. It gave me a little time to check her out. See what her deal was. Besides, if Jasper could hook up with a straight, bendy yoga instructor at a Gay and Lesbian Nudists Retreat, then surely I could talk to paper towel girl and have a conversation. At least ask her name. _Right?_


	11. Fools Rush In

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 11**

**Fools Rush In**

* * *

Emmett argued with me about wearing our clothes to walk to the spa, but I refused to walk around naked. Emmett had no problems lying through his teeth, apparently, so I told him to deal with it and think of something. Meanwhile, he walked beside me in an itty bitty Speedo on our way to the spa.

"Where the hell did you even get that thing?" I gave him the side eye.

"At the gift shop. I figured I'd fit in better that way, ya know?" He just shrugged.

I shook my head. This entire weekend had become a comedy of errors right before my eyes.

"Oh hey, Emmy Bear!" Jessica called as she ran up to Emmett and gave him a welcoming hug. Naked.

"Hey, Jess. Ange. How ya gals hanging?"

"Good! We took a dip in the pool after Hot Yoga. Very refreshing," Angela added with a smile.

I just stood there averting my eyes any which way I could as the naked women chatted with Emmett in his barely-there Speedo. His stage whisper is what caught my attention.

"… yeah, still shy about his birthday suit. Ya know, first time and all. I slapped on a Speedo to make him feel a little more comfortable. Jasper told me his junk hangs a little too much to the left, and he's a little insecure about it. We're easing him into the weekend."

I couldn't believe my ears. Was there nothing he couldn't lie his way out of? Emmett was unbelievable, but oddly enough the women bought it.

They both nodded their understanding and then Jessica stepped closer to me. "Your human anatomy is nothing to be ashamed of, Edward. Each of us is perfect in God's eyes and the Universal greater goodness for us all. Look, one of my boobs is totally bigger than the other." She thrust her chest as near my face as she could get it. "It's not a big deal. The weekend is about self-discovery and attuning oneself to your true form and to that of your partner. Expressing your freedom together as a couple. Where is Jasper, by the way?"

"Uh…" I stuttered and took a careful step back, away from the boobs that were entirely too close to my face and indeed one was slightly larger than the other. My eyes didn't know what the hell to do so they had to look. I didn't want to be rude, but I had no clue what to say.

Emmett spoke up, "Jasper is delving … into his true form." He paused and then reduced his voice to a whisper again. "Surprise for Edward."

Again both the girls nodded their understanding.

Returning to his normal volume, he continued, "So we're going for a massage."

"Well, enjoy!" The girls both said.

"See ya around." Emmett grinned like the total idiot he was.

"Yeah, bye." I waved uncomfortably.

When they were safely out of range, Emmett snuck a glance over his shoulder then chuckled. "See nice rack and nice ass on that pair, I'm telling you."

I just shook my head at the idiocy of it all and awaited the relaxing massage I was due.

* * *

**Will Eddie get his relaxing massage?**


	12. Snowball Effect

**Good morning! I have to take a minute and say thanks. Seriously, I can't thank you all enough for your readership and continued comments! Honestly, it makes me smile to read each one. I'm glad you find this crazy fic entertaining. You are the best bunch of readers ever! **

**Now on with it...**

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 12**

**Snowball Effect**

* * *

"McCarty. I have an appointment for seven o'clock." Emmett told the lady behind the desk at the spa.

"Yes, I have you right here Mr. McCarty. Couples massage at seven. Just head through these doors to your left. You can leave any personal belongings in a locker and wait on the green bench by the waterfall for your masseuse to greet you."

"Couples massage?" I balked when we were safely out of earshot inside the posh locker room.

"What? It's all they had available. You wanted a massage. Don't be a dick."

"Fine." I huffed, stripped down, slipped on the provided robe, and carefully folded all my things to set neatly in the bottom of my locker.

Emmett sat on the bench in his Speedo.

"Jesus, Em. Get a robe!"

"What? It's a nudists retreat. You're supposed to be naked. I'm nearer naked than you are."

"Then why do they have robes?" I shot back.

"Hm. I don't know, good question."

"Really, a robe stumps you? So now you're answerless?"

Just then a knockout blonde, who was not naked—thank heaven, rounded the corner and both Emmett and I froze.

"Emmett and Edward? Ready for your couples massage?" she asked.

We were both morons. We stared at her and then back to each other and then nodded in unison.

She introduced herself as Rosalie and led us to side by side tables in an open air outdoor room. The sun was low in the sky but the temperature was still incredibly warm outside. This was going to be perfect. The soft sounds of a gurgling waterfall bubbled in the background, and we both glanced at our respective tables.

Rosalie excused herself and told us to get as naked as we felt comfortable. Emmett wiggled and twisted out of his Speedo and left the sheet around his waist. I disrobed as well and slid under my own sheet. Relaxing at last.

My eyes had drifted shut as I lay on my stomach and waited for Rosalie to return. When she did I heard a second set of footsteps and the sounds of soft new-age music switched on. Emmett's moan caused me to startle and open my eyes as I noticed Rosalie set to work on his shoulders at my side. Then it dawned on me. She couldn't possibly massage us both at the same time.

"Good evening, I'm Felix. You wanted the deep tissue release, is that right?" The low-toned voice said from behind me.

Fuck my life.


	13. Roll With It

**50 WAYS**

**Chapter 13**

**Roll With It**

* * *

Jasper came in late last night, and I heard him and Emmett yucking it up about the massage fiasco. Then they exchanged stories about straight, bendy Alice and not naked Rose (as Emmett had taken to calling her). Just my luck they hit it off too. Meanwhile, I tossed and turned in my fucking king unable to relax or sleep.

As I was showering with the sunrise, after having given up on sleep, I thought about paper towel girl again. Then I remembered her suggestion for Tai Chi and breakfast. At this point, how much worse could it get? I thought. I grabbed a pair of Nike running shorts, still refusing to be naked, and decided to check out the Tai Chi thing.

I gave a solid bang to their door, stood in the door frame and announced. "I'm going to try the Tai Chi."

"Way to put yourself back out there. I'm so proud of ya, man!" Emmett beamed.

"Whatever."

"Wait up," Emmett hollered and smacked Jasper on the head, who was still half asleep, as he leapt out of bed. "We're coming with you."

"Fantastic. You gonna wear the sexy Speedo again?" _I could hardly wait: insert heavy dose of sarcasm._

"It's good, right? I got one for you too," Emmett announced.

I narrowed my eyes, but didn't respond. He didn't push it but gave a chuckle. Jasper scrubbed his hand over his face and rolled out of bed. I decided to wait for Rico Suave and his sidekick outside, in front of our bungalow.

It was a beautiful morning with the mountains surrounding the resort. The pinks and oranges in the sky, blending with the rising sun. Calm. Relaxing. Perfect.

"Oh, hey there." Until a completely naked man with an outstretched hand in my direction interrupted my morning. "Guess we're neighbors. I'm Mike."

I hesitated keeping my eyes firmly on his face.

"Oh, are you the one? With the … you know?" He gestured lower, and I forced my peripheral vision into submission as well. I refused to look. "Seriously, it's no big deal. A lot of guys got a little kink to them. A bend. A sway. A hang. A botched circumcision. No biggie. You're just lucky enough to have a partner who loves you and your body. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We're all here to respect the goodness of being perfect with our imperfections surrounded by nature."

Jesus, did everyone know about my fake backstory now? I made a face, but the twerp kept yakking about some 'peace be with you' bullshit. I'm sure he was just trying to be friendly but it was early, he was naked, and I needed coffee.

"Alright! Let's do this!" Emmett announced from behind me with Jasper in toe. "Oh hey, Mike. See you've met, Edward."

"Yeah. I was just, you know, trying to help." He made a face I could only describe as constipated.

"That's very thoughtful of you. We're hoping by the end of the weekend, Edward will find his courage and blossom from within." Emmett easily continued to lay it on thick. "Well, we're off to Tai Chi. See ya."

"Oh, okay. Bye, friends." Mike waved.

"Namaste," Jasper added, pressing his hands together, and gave a slight nod to his head.

We walked in silence until the twerp ducked back inside.

"What a fucktard," Emmett bellowed.

"Dude, I know, right." Jasper chuckled. "What the fuck was he going on about anyway?"

"Oh you know, Eddie's problem." Emmett snorted.

Jasper laughed a little harder and nodded. "Oh right. His left hang."

I shoved him. "Shut the hell up. I don't hang to the goddamned left, jackass."

"Why'd you shove me? I'm not the one that came up with it. Fails-to-notice-details here did." Jasper rubbed his arm and motioned to Emmett.

"Whoa, wait a minute. I notice details. Lots of details. Mikey, for example is a fucktard with a tiny pecker."

Jasper choked on air.

I cleared my throat and looked between Rico and his Namaste-spouting companion who both were sporting Speedos that left very little to the imagination. And who's the fucktard? I thought to myself.

"You both are friggin' ridiculous. I mean, Jesus, just look at you. Seriously, you failed to noticed the words gay or lesbian or nudist in all of your scheming and planning of our 'great way to meet chicks weekend' but you notice the twerp's tiny pecker." I gestured between them. "And 'Blossom from within?' 'Namaste?' Really? Who the hell are you guys?"

* * *

**What's next for poor Edward? **


	14. Take a Gander

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 14**

**Take a Gander**

* * *

Naked Tai Chi was interesting. I stood in the front so I didn't have to constantly avert my eyes. The instructor was the only one in front of me, and thankfully he wore a pair of loose linen pants. Seemed not all of the people associated with the events at the resort were of the nudist persuasion. There truly was a God somewhere.

Thanks to Emmett's big mouth and Jasper's contributions, everyone in the group for the weekend we'd come in contact with seemed to know about us and my lefty situation. Emmett continued to gain sympathy for his loss and a few offers from some of the more friendly 'open couples'. Jasper hovered close and played his part to perfection, which continued to grate on my nerves.

I forced as much of the idiocy as I could from my mind and had worked up a serious appetite during Tai Chi. We headed down the path and snaked our way around the pool so we could grab a bite to eat.

"Ah. That was awesome. I feel totally in sync with nature, and the breathing and movement awareness exercises were really grounding." Emmett paused. "Know what I mean?" He was dead serious, and the odd thing was, I kind of agreed with him. Tai Chi had been great, and if it weren't for all the naked people behind me, I would have probably enjoyed it all the more.

"Namaste." Jasper breathed and zoned out as he sat and perused the menu.

Emmett just laughed.

"Could either one of you be serious for a single moment?"

"What? I was totally serious." Emmett seemed genuinely offended. Perhaps …

"Green Pudding? Orange Chia Seed Breakfast Pudding? What the hell is this shit?" Jasper questioned, cutting off my mental ramblings.

"Huh?"

Jasper pointed to my menu and continued to stare at his.

"What language is this? I just want coffee. They don't even have coffee. What kind of place doesn't serve coffee? Even the Marriott Hotel chain serves coffee, and they are owned by Mormons who don't drink coffee. I mean sure, they have The Book of Mormon along with your standard copy of the Bible in the nightstand, but meh, to each his own. At least they serve coffee!" I was less than pleased with this turn of events.

Emmett cleared his throat. "Well, okay then, why don't you tell us how you really feel, Edward."

Even Jasper didn't laugh. "Dude, I totally have to agree with Edward on this one. Have you looked at the menu? What the hell is a chia seed? And doesn't a cup of piping hot, freshly crushed, steeped thyme leaves with a dollop of raw honey sound like a wonderful way to begin your morning?"

"No!" I huffed.

"Exactly! I'd even settle for a pot of Folgers at this point," Jasper added, and we both lowered our menus and looked at Emmett.

"Now you're being a douche pansy too, Jas?"

"Dude, I like coffee. I drink three things … water, alcohol, or coffee. How the hell does a resort like this not serve coffee? I mean they have alcohol, why wouldn't they have coffee? It doesn't make any sense. That's it. I'm with my partner on this one. I'm in serious need of a cup of java!"

"Honestly, it's ridiculous. Like this entire weekend so far," I agreed. Finally, the justification I was looking for. "See Emmett …" _Wait what?_ "Don't call me you partner! It's not funny. No one is even around. Quit your shit. I'm going to get …"

And all at once the world stopped spinning or sped up, because gravity was not right at the moment, and I stumbled back down nearly missing the seat of my chair.

"Good morning!" Paper towel girl beamed from the head of our table.

We all stopped talking.

* * *

**I could never stay at a place that didn't have coffee. j/s **

**So PTGirl is back. ;-) hmm...**


	15. Tempest in a Teacup

**I forgot to mention last chapter: kiwisrock coined the term, hanginleftyWard. That cracked me up! LOL**

**Let's check in with LeftyWard and PTgirl shall we.**

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 15**

**Tempest in a Teacup**

* * *

There she stood in an olive drab T-shirt that read "Heat in Bed, not on the Burner." Her hair was pulled up into a chaotic nest near the top of her head, and she was wearing another pair of barely-there shorts. Legs, she was all legs. Smooth, lightly-kissed-by-the-sun legs. Damn! _Though, I sort of missed the pigtails._

"Are you enjoying your weekend so far?" She smiled at me but addressed us all.

"I, uh …" Damn, I couldn't even speak coherently around her. Now I was acting like I was twelve.

"Yeah, Eddie here is having a great time. So are we," Emmett spoke up on my behalf.

"So have you decided on breakfast this morning?" She took a deep breath in through her nose, held it for a moment, and then released the breath even slower also through her nose. I watched the rise and fall of her chest and the word 'Bed' on her T-shirt taunted me.

"There's no coffee on the menu?" Jasper was still irritable.

"Wait, you're a waitress? Here?" I questioned her, snapping out of my fog.

"Not exactly. But there was an issue this morning, so I'm just helping out." Her answer was unsurprisingly vague and for some weird reason it intrigued me all the more.

"Oh," I mumbled.

"Bye the way, sorry to hear about your partner. Deep sea fishing, that sucks." She turned to Emmett.

"Yes, the devastation of …" Emmett began to spout some more bullshit, and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Give it up. Seriously, do you have no shame?" I snapped.

She just giggled, and I found myself increasingly more intrigued by giggling than I'd ever been before.

"Is no one listening to me? I would like a cup of coffee. Do you know where I can get a cup of coffee?" Jasper spoke as if he were talking to a room full of kindergarteners. Who knew coffee could make him such a drama queen.

"At Starbucks. But the thyme tea is a much healthier alternative. It soothes tense, tired muscles and can help with stomach troubles," paper towel girl calmly stated.

"Okay, well I'm in. I'll have a cup of that, and I'll try one of those Chia Pet smoothies too." Emmett grinned.

"Great choice, you won't be sorry! And for you?" Unfazed by Emmett's stupidity, she looked hopefully to Jasper and I for our orders.

"I'll … uh, sure I'll try the green pudding," I added with a shrug. Honestly, a few fruits with some green leaves, nuts, and seeds blended up for breakfast sounded revolting. But for some strange reason, I was hoping to earn a small smile from paper towel girl like Emmett had.

"I'll have water." Jasper was pouting, and honestly, he was pissing me off.

Her faced scrunched up, and she made a small sound that seemed like exasperation. It was totally cute. As she walked away, I couldn't help but think: I wouldn't maybe mind so much if she were naked.

"Okay, you really need to step up your game." Emmett pounced.

"What?" I was still lost in the sway of her hips and her delicate wrists.

"She's into you. I know these things. That's why I ordered the Chia Pet. Look, you've got to …"

"Jesus, Emmett! It's a breakfast pudding, whatever the hell that is, not a goddamned ceramic lamb with seeds for fur."

Jasper snapped out of his personal pity party for a moment to join in. "It may as well be, because nothing on this menu is even distinguishable. Have you looked at our luncheon choices? Red Cabbage Wraps, Stuffed Peppers and Nori Burgers."

"The Stuffed Peppers sound good." Emmett was an optimist, always a bright-sider.

"Uh huh. Read the menu, Em. They are not normal Stuffed Peppers, and all the ingredients are exactly the same. Celery, peppers, corn, avocado, sun-dried tomatoes, sprouts, seeds. There is no burger in the burger or beef in the stuffed peppers. It's all just vegetables cut up differently and served in a different order with a new title that is one—big … fat … lie!" Jasper continued to bellow.

"Hm…" Emmett glanced over the menu. "It's like Taco Bell."

Both Jasper and I stuttered at that statement. "Wha …"

"Ya know, everything on the Taco Bell menu is exactly the same. Taco shells, beans, rice, beef or chicken. Throw in a couple of different sauces and that's about it. It's the same with the Chia Pet menu. Fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds."

I was momentarily speechless, because for once Emmett actually had an argument that seemed solid, and I couldn't disagree. But Jasper decided to go another round. He was very cranky without his morning coffee.

"You forgot untoasted Nori leaves. Seaweed. Raw seaweed. Does Taco Bell serve raw seaweed?"

"You're not a morning person are you? You should go do some Hot Yoga and simmer down. If I were Edward, I'd be rethinking the whole relationship thing with you." As always, Emmett was quick on his toes.

"Know what? You're right. I'm totally gonna go find Alice and sweat out some toxins." Jasper stood and I accidentally glanced at his ridiculous Speedo.

"So you can't drink a damn smoothie for breakfast, but you're oh so willing to go strip down and sweat your balls off in a room full of gay, naked people? Yeah, you totally make sense." I don't know what came over me, but he was acting like a dick.

"Yep! Later, bitch." He turned and strolled away from the table.

"Aw, you guys just had your first lover's quarrel."

I growled at Emmett.

"Did you just growl?" Paper towel girl had returned with our breakfast delights.

"Uh?"

She stared at me for a moment and then looked to Emmett, who was silently sipping his thyme tea, and back to me before sizing me up.

Then she just smiled and walked away.

* * *

**Orange Chia Seed Breakfast Pudding is a real recipe by the way. In case you wanted to know. ;-)**


	16. Talking in Circles

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 16**

**Talking in Circles**

* * *

Emmett ate quickly and gave me the thumbs up before taking off. I'd hung back, so I could talk to the curious girl.

She came out and sat with me after announcing the breakfast rush was over and the server who was originally scheduled had finally showed. Then we had a strange conversation, just like the rest had been.

"Your eyes are clearer. Seems your colon is no longer backed up. The green pudding will help with any remaining plaque in your lining though."

I narrowed my eyes and couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how her mind worked.

"I tried your Nonna's recipe, well with some slight modifications, but I didn't forget the anise," she added.

All of a sudden inspiration hit, I didn't know if it was the dry desert air, or the shit in the smoothie, or just the crazy girl's presence, but I spoke. "Why heat in bed instead of on the burner?" I asked referencing her T-shirt.

"Because sex should always be hot but food should not."

I waited, because even though she seemed to think that was an explanation, it was not, and I desperately needed more to go on. Though my brain hiccuped with the mention of hot sex, and then I thought about her naked. Again. Thankfully she continued.

"People tend to overcook their food. Heat destroys many of the nutrients found in our foods, notably the water soluble vitamins."

"Huh. So are you a vegetarian?"

"I don't really care for labels. So I usually tend to avoid them." Another non-answer.

So I tried again. "So how is it you've come by this information?"

"Well, seems I was given the temporary title of Raw Foods Nutritionist for this retreat weekend. I balked at the title, but the guy who pays me insisted I be listed in the packet so that's my label … but only for the weekend."

My head was spinning. This girl's bank book was probably a disaster, and I couldn't even fathom how she could seem so intelligent and flakey at the same time.

"Uh huh. So did you go to school for this?"

"Yep."

"For nutrition?"

"Yep."

"Interesting," I stated.

"In Seattle. That's where I live," she offered.

Now we were getting somewhere, sort of. "But you're working at a retreat in Sedona for the weekend?"

"Yep."

"Hm." She was a hard nut to crack.

"Just helping a friend out." She smiled. "So why does a straight guy, who's just been dumped, come to a gay nudists retreat with his friends who are all pretending to be gay?"

She had me there, I really had no way of explaining the entire mess to her. Soon I found myself talking in circles and tangents that made little sense, mimicking her own casual style of storytelling. We jumped all over the place and laughed a few times at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

"So you don't drink?" I questioned, changing the subject again.

She shook her head.

"Ever?"

"Not alcohol."

"Oh." I desperately wanted to figure her out.

"It's not good for your body. I try to live by certain principles that are right for me. I don't give into peer pressure easily, and I try not to let what others think affect me. Good or bad. I believe you're much better off without Irina. That's just my opinion, and I suppose it doesn't really matter."

This girl was such a conundrum to me.

"So, you wanna have sex?" she blurted and looked me straight in the eye.

_Say what?_

"Are you ever going to tell me your name?" I had absolutely no idea why I'd asked that question in response to a hot girl asking if I wanted to get laid, but it seemed important to me.

"It's just another label. Why are they so important to you? We can have sex without labels, ya know."

She waited for an answer, but I was unsure as to which question she wanted a response to first: why was it important for me to know her name, or did I want to have sex.

My mind was suddenly taking a spin on the tilt-a-whirl.

* * *

**=D**


	17. Stark Raving Mad

**So what will Eddie do? Let's find out...**

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 17**

**Stark Raving Mad**

* * *

I truly had no clue what had come over me but after spending the last hour or so talking in circles and dots and dashes, I realized I was happy. She made me happy, and she made me forget about all the shit I'd wanted to forget about. Paper towel girl, who still hadn't told me her name, wanted to have no-labels sex and honestly, that was exactly what I wanted.

When we were heading to her room, I had a momentary panic attack and wondered what the hell I was doing, but it dissipated as soon as we entered and she began undressing me.

Obviously, I'd had sex before, a fair amount of sex. Perhaps not as much sex as Emmett or Jasper, but I dated. This however, was the first time I'd ever had sex like this.

There wasn't a rushed feel to what was happening between us, but the frenzy inside grew, nonetheless, as we shed our remaining clothes. She touched me unlike anyone ever had. Each touch was a novel indulgence of the flesh. Her fingers brushed my jaw, and she lowered her head, grazing my pecs with her soft nose. I let her continue to lead the uninhibited pleasure as she slowly licked my nipples. I'd never had a woman lick my nipples before, but fuck it felt amazing.

If this was crazy, I absolutely wanted to explore crazy with her.

Then she kissed my mouth. I took my time with her lips, and our tongues coiled around and around. I coaxed unspoken answers from her mouth and kissed the sense straight back into her. The throaty sound she made drove me further. Her pert breasts fit perfectly in the palms of my hands, and they were silky and firm beneath my grasp. Pinching her puckered nipples, she grew more vocal. With each new sound she made, I explored a different part of her body with my mouth: her neck, her shoulders, her elbows, and wrists.

I'd never explored someone so thoroughly before or had anyone so interested in doing the same. She was confident and sensual. Irina and everyone I'd ever been with before were far too self-conscious to allow a lazy perusal of every inch of flesh that covered their bodies. This was painfully slow and incredibly satisfying.

She dropped to her knees, nipped at the edge of my hip and trailed her tongue over the impression her teeth left. My hands slid through her hair as she licked the inside of my thigh, and I wanted her wet, little mouth between my legs, badly. Her breath was hot on my cock, and as she held my erection firmly, giving a small stroke, I felt her mouth closing in when the door suddenly flew open.

_Fuck._

Light laughter erupted around us.

Paper towel girl sighed and stood, crossing her arms over her breasts not in a manner as to hide but more from irritation. Alice and Jasper stood in the door way, naked, and silence suddenly filled the room.

"Dude!" Jasper's eyes flew over the situation before him.

"Jesus." I was yanking up my Nikes and grabbing my T-shirt to cover up my no-label sex partner, who I honestly didn't want to share the sight of with anyone else. She didn't seem to care one way or another, as I slipped my shirt over her head, and kept talking.

"Allie, I thought you had yoga all afternoon?" Seemed paper towel girl and bendy Alice were friends or at least knew each other.

"Oops. I finished early." Alice gave an apologetic smile, but both her and Jasper remained unfazed about their nakedness. At least they entered the room and had shut the door. "We were … well, looks like we had the same idea."

I tried to keep my eyes off Alice, but honestly, it was easier to glance at her than look anywhere in the direction of Jasper. Even his stupid grin was grating on my nerves.

"Jesus, Jasper, cover your shit up. I don't want to look at you."

"Jasper, don't listen to him. It's freeing to be naked and if you want to embrace your oneness with nature and your true form, it's entirely up to you. After all, that is what this weekend is all about," Alice spoke decisively, but her tone was sweet.

For some reason, it irritated me all the same. "Really? Because I was under the impression it was a gay and lesbian thing? And last I checked, Jasper was not a gay nudist."

"Edward, is it? I've heard about you. I'm getting a vibe from you. You're way too uptight. You need to find your own vibrational harmony within and connect. You need to relax."

"Relax. Ha. Nothing about this stupid trip has been relaxing. And your new Namaste-spouting lemming here wasn't really relaxed at breakfast either. Did he tell you about that?" Now I'd lost it.

"It's true, Allie. He's not much of a morning person and very irritable if there is no coffee," paper towel girl added with a giggle.

"You know what, Edward, you're the asshole. You're so friggin' negative all the time and so goddamned uptight about everything! You want to know why Irina left you? Because you're so fucking closed minded. Loosen up. Everything doesn't chart or graph all the time, dude. Alice is right, you have no idea how to connect." Jasper gave it back in spades, but I wasn't ready to concede.

"I was trying to connect, asshole! I was getting ready to slide right into a warm mouth ready with impending ecstasy and relaxation imminent. Until you barged in here swinging your schlong around." I had no clue what came over me. Never before had I spewed so many things so close to my raw feelings and meant every last word as they left my lips.

It was not my intent, however, to be so completely thoughtless, and suddenly, I felt like shit.

"We should go. Come on, Jasper. He needs some time." Straight, bendy, naked Alice smiled at paper towel girl and grabbed Jasper's hand to leave.

* * *

**er... *waves***


	18. Straight Shooter

**Again, you all make me laugh so much! Thanks for all your comments!**

* * *

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 18**

**Straight Shooter**

When the door closed behind Alice and Jasper, I was instantly ashamed of myself and felt like a complete and utter ass. Until paper towel girl jumped me. There was no slow. Gone was the lazy perusal. Her lips were on mine and our tongues were swirling round and round between teeth nipping and lips pressing. She was wrapped around my torso and making those little sounds again. Without another word, I carried her to the bed and yanked my running shorts back off. She tossed my T-shirt back on the floor and we fucked like crazy. It was raw, it was hot in bed, and I'd finally figured out what 'thyme' it was.

Time to get my head out of my ass. As we lay there side by side on our backs breathing, glistening with a layer of sweaty-sex sheen to our bodies, I finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry."

"For what? Amazing sex?" She giggled.

I twisted my head to look at her beside me on the bed. She was so very different from any girl I'd ever known. "I, uh … no. For being so disrespectful, the things I insinuated about you were …"

"Hot! You were only being truthful. My mouth was ready to take you. You're smart, sexy. I like being with you, and the sex was as great as I knew it would be."

"You're so weird. And beautiful. And full of surprises. And you're very talented with your mouth. Yeah, I really like your mouth." It was getting easier to just say the first thing that came to mind without worrying about the repercussions. Judgment. Backlash.

She smiled at me.

"Well, the little flicky thing you did with your tongue? Um … yeah … amazing! Irina is a complete moron. I'd never let you go if you were mine. You make me laugh, and the tongue thing—golden," she hummed.

I smiled back at her.

"Also, you know, you don't hang to the left at all. Your cock is perfectly straight."

Then I laughed.

We had sex again and then again later after that; we'd used up all of paper towel girl's condom stash.

"Do I even want to know why you had a whole box of condoms at the ready? I mean I'm glad you did, but …" I ventured.

"Shh …" She touched my lips with her finger. "You can ask questions without justification. You were doing so good. You don't have to justify everything, ya know. People are curious. It's in our nature. I don't do the pill thing. The synthetic chemicals aren't good for your body. So I like to be prepared. You never know when your gonna meet a guy who has the best pizzelle recipe ever and you have to give him a ride."

She gave me a wink and it made me laugh again. Our conversation continued in short sprints and quirky tangents in a carefree, unhurried style all afternoon. Before I left, I gave her one last sense-stealing, toe-tingling kiss and added a flick of my tongue.

"Hey, Edward," she questioned before I turned to leave.

"Yeah?"

"My name's Bella."

I smiled and walked out the door extremely relaxed.


	19. Turning Over a New Leaf

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 19**

**Turning Over a New Leaf**

* * *

"Her name is Bella!" I bellowed, barging into our bungalow.

"No, I'm Rose."

Emmett chuckled, and not-naked-Rose sat on our sofa half-naked cuddled up with him. I couldn't care less because I'd finally learned paper towel girl's—my no-labels sex partner—name. It was Bella.

"Man, you look relaxed," Emmett stated.

"Mh hm."

"Guess you finally got laid."

"Emmett!" Rose shrieked and punched him in the shoulder.

"What? It's obvious. Look at him. Grinning like a fool." Rose gave a small huff and excused herself to use the bathroom, and Emmett continued, "See my weekend retreat was a total win after all. I got laid, you got laid and Jasper got laid. I'm all about creating win-win situations."

Surprisingly, I agreed with Emmett again. Though I wouldn't have chosen those exact words.

"So maybe we should all hang out tonight. Ya know go grab a bite to eat, have a few drinks with the girls?"

I found myself nodding like a fool. I was still high from Bella. "Sure. Where's your Speedo sporting sidekick? Who, I might add, has become increasingly more at one with the naked in public thing."

"Come again?"

"Jasper. He was walking around with his rod bobbing in the breeze. Straight, bendy Alice was naked too, and I can only assume they had come from yoga that way."

"Shit, he's totally gonna blow our cover!"

"After the information I just gave you, that's what you come up with?"

"Duh! We have one more day of our GLNC retreat and I wanted to check out the motivational speaker who is slated to speak tomorrow after the raw food cooking class."

_Motivational speaker?_ "You do realize 'raw food cooking class' is like a complete oxymoron. Right? And do they do this activity naked as well? Forget it, don't answer that. I don't even want to know."

"Don't want to know what?" Jasper came strolling in Speedo back on, thank God.

"Edward got laid. Now he's relaxed, but concerned for your newfound love of public nakedness. Honestly, I don't give a shit but then, you're not my partner. What I do care about is you blowing our cover by publicly cavorting around with bendy Alice. I want to take the raw food cooking class tomorrow. I liked the Chia Pet Smoothie and the thyme tea really did sooth my pecs after lifting this afternoon. That shit is cool, I wanna look into it for my gym."

"Raw food cooking class, is an oxymoron," was Jasper's only response.

"That's what I said." I raised an eyebrow in Emmett's direction.

"That's why you douchebags make a great couple. Now kiss and make up, I don't like how you left it at breakfast. Then let's figure shit out for tonight. 'Cause, I wanna get my drink on with my new woman."

"I majored in English, idiot. Edward and I aren't soul-mates. Besides raw food is nasty. Also, I only agreed to this trip to help emo over here get laid with the promise of a great place to hookup with someone myself. I blindly trusted your dumbass, Em, and thankfully, got lucky. I really like Alice. She's cool. So don't fuck this up for me with your bullshit, dude."

"Whatever. I'm being serious about the raw shit. But you're welcome, by the way!" Emmet just smiled like he always did.

Jasper ignored Emmett and turned to me instead. "Edward, look, I promised Alice I'd say sorry for what I said about you and Irina. I was out of line. We cool?"

"Yeah. You were right anyhow. I needed to get my head out of my ass. Loosen up a tad."

"Cool." Jasper nodded.

"Emmett Matthew McCarty! I heard what you said while I was in the restroom." Rose came barging out of the bathroom.

"What?"

"It's totally disrespectful to refer to me as 'woman', and what did I say about referring to Alice as bendy Alice? It's bad enough I had to put up with the nonsense about paper towel girl, but now that we know her name, let's use it too. Em, if you want to get your drink on with me you need to be a little more respectful."

Jasper and I both had to laugh because watching six foot five Emmett get chewed out by a good looking blonde was hilarious. It was about time he got some back.

* * *

**We are having some wacky weather in my neck of the woods today. Sorry about the delay.**


	20. In a Nutshell

**50 Ways**

**Chapter 20**

**In a Nutshell**

* * *

If you Google the phrase '50 Ways' you'll find there are far more than fifty listings of 50 ways to do almost anything.

50 Ways to Get a Date.

50 Ways to Help the Planet.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

50 Ways to Come Out of the Closet.

50 Ways to Cook Chicken (which Bella doesn't even eat).

I didn't need fifty ways to fall in love with Bella. Honestly, I only needed, one ex-fiancée to dump me, two goofball friends to provide a night of drunken ridiculousness, and a long weekend of crazy I will never forget. I couldn't even begin to count all the ways, or all the insanity that surrounded us from the beginning. The story was so ridiculous, but I did learn at least fifty things about my friends, myself, and life along the way.

1. Life is a journey that requires no particular destination.

2. Sometimes the detours life throws your way are far more satisfying than your original path.

3. A Gay and Lesbian Nudist Couples Relaxation Retreat is, in fact, a great way to meet people and relax.

4. Honestly, I could do without the naked part, unless exclusively with Bella.

5. I still don't enjoy public nakedness in any form.

6. Everyone has something quirky about them or a visible flaw.

7. It's the flaws that make us more desirable.

8. When meeting new people keep an open mind. We all have differences, but intrinsically we all really are looking for the same thing: happiness.

9. When you get dumped, it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, it hurts all the same. (Mike was dumped by his boyfriend on the last day of the retreat, and I bought him a daiquiri then introduced him to Felix.)

10. Jasper is relaxed and laid back as long as he has his morning coffee.

11. He is honestly gifted with a guitar but could teach an honors English class and school us all.

12. He slips easily into the Texan drawl after exactly 2.5 beers, which drives Alice crazy (in a girls squealing behind closed doors kind of way—another baffling occurrence to guys).

13. He is completely at ease with being naked in front of a group of gay and lesbian nudists.

14. And naked Hot Yoga is where he met his fiancée, Alice.

15. Alice is straight and bendy, and that is indeed is an oxymoron.

16. She practices what she preaches and loves with her whole heart.

17. All four feet, ten inches of Alice is genuine.

18. And no one can say no to her.

19. Emmett is one of the most optimistic guys you will ever meet.

20. He has an answer for everything, even if most of it is bullshit.

21. He can still surprise us all, every now and then, with something truly inspiring.

22. He is a successful business owner, and he has combined his love of working-out with his newly discovered love of raw food smoothie consumption into a money making extra that his gym now offers.

23. Lesbians fall for Emmett's bullshit just like any other woman, except for Rose.

24. Most of Emmett's ideas still get a Ricky Ricardo style response from Rose, and Emmett often has some 'splainin to do.

25. Rose is sharp as a tack, nothing gets by her and thus balances out Emmet rather nicely.

26. She gives one mean massage, and Emmett swears she has healing hands.

27. She takes most of Emmett's bullshit in stride, but she can melt him with a single glare.

28. They're perfect for each other.

29. Bella is the name of the infamous paper towel girl, and the weirdest girl I've ever met.

30. She is also witty and wonderful.

31. And beautiful.

32. She has a degree in nutrition and has helped Emmett with his smoothie line at the gym.

33. She is definitely legal—even though she still wears her hair in pigtails, which admittedly turns me on—though slightly younger than I, and that's fine by me.

34. She never wears matching bras and panties.

35. She prefers itty bitty boyshorts in neon colors.

36. I'm rather fond of those as well.

37. When she's cold she refuses to put on pants, instead she wears her booty-shorts with these really long socks that kind of look like thigh-highs, only they are socks.

38. Her favorite pair is purple.

39. She has seven T-shirts with slogans she came up with, referencing raw food or sex—and one that references both.

40. That one is my favorite.

41. She has an amazing mouth that does incredible things to me.

42. And we have sex, a lot.

43. Incredible, no-labels sex.

44. Bella still shies away from labels, but she's agreed to let me call her the love of my life—because she is—she's my Bella.

45. Then there is me. I'm still not good at categorizing myself, but Bella's taught me I don't really have to.

46. Some things simply don't need classification.

47. I like things neat and orderly, and Bella's a messy roommate.

48. I can live with a little messy, but I can't live with dirt or filth and thankfully neither can Bella.

49. I love when Bella giggles.

50. Being dumped by Irina was the best thing that ever happened to me because somehow it lead to meeting Bella.

My point is: "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." -Nietzsche.

50 WAYS

* * *

**Again, I would like to thank you all for indulging my ****nonsense! This was just a silly drabble to keep my creative juices flowing. You are the best group of readers and reviewers out there, and I truly enjoy hearing from each of you! **

**This is the end of this one for now, but I am currently hard at work on a full-length fic called The Lake House. The banner is on my profile page if you're interested. I hope to have the prologue and summary up soonish. If you are following my author alerts you should get a notification when I begin posting. Hope you'll check it out!**

**AJasperforMe remains the best, at-my-beck-and-call girl beta, and I heart her hard for all her help!**

**See you soon! ;-)**

**~quiet **


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